Wednesday Factoid: Amusement Parks

Today's Wednesday Factoid is: Do you like amusement parks/theme parks? Do you have a favorite?

I'm not a real big fan of them, no. But I don't hate them. I can still have plenty of fun at a theme park, and I'll be enthusiastic about exploring what there is to do there, but theme parks are definitely not the thing I would choose to do with a vacation or with the money it costs to go there. I have been quite a number of times with friends and had fun, but that was mostly because I was with them, not necessarily because of the park.

Disney World with family, 1989

Six Flags with Laura and Jessica, 1997

My friend Mikey flipping off a dino at Universal Studios, 2009

EPCOT with Sarah, 2010

Star Tours with Eric, 2011

 

Hollywood Studios with Meg, Katie, Steve, and Jessica, 2011

Disney parks with Meg's family, 2013

EPCOT with Meg's family and Victor, 2014

Living in Florida, I'm basically right on top of Disney, and my friends really like to go to the parks, so I am sometimes invited along.

My favorite thing about theme parks is usually games and shopping, and probably food too. I don't usually like "fair foods" like funnel cake but sometimes they still have pretty good (expensive) food, especially at Disney. Rides are okay. I'm not huge on rides, especially since they are usually the major attraction at these places and therefore have HUGE lines. But I did have a lot of fun on Disney World's EPCOT ride Soarin' (which simulates flying over a variety of landscapes) and the free-fall ride at Hollywood Studios.

And even though in general I don't like fireworks because of the pollution and the loud noises, the Disney fireworks are very nice, and I find them pretty inspiring because of the way they remind me of humans' capacity for innovation. 

For vacations and stuff, though, I would much rather go on a picnic, to the beach, to a vacation home, or on a road trip to see friends. Theme parks being crowded and full of lines to do things I'm not super enthusiastic about does not put them high on my list of favorite vacation pastimes.

How to Beta: Five Tips

Okay, so as an author who's participated as a Pitch Wars mentor three different times and as a writer who's given huge amounts of feedback over the years, I'm here to tell you that . . .

I don't really know any hard and fast rules of how to beta-read a manuscript.

Haha.

Thought I was gonna say something sagely and wise there, didn't you.

But anyway, I HAVE learned a thing or two about how to beta my way, and I figured I can share them with you.

Thought Number One: Be sure to establish an understanding of your duties as a beta reader with the author.

Does the author need your notes and impressions by a certain date? What kind of feedback do they need? Are they interested in grammar and punctuation nitpicks, or do they just want comments on the story? Are they trying to get something in shape for consideration by a publishing professional, or is this story for fun? Are they going to be receptive to very large or very critical edits? Sometimes you can upset people or sour your relationship with them if the comments you offer are of an unexpected nature in some way. So go ahead and ask your author what kinds of comments they can use.

And between you and me (she says, to the Internet), if you're betaing for a newer author and you feel this is more an instructional situation than an exchange of opinion between career equals, you might consider being a little less critical even if it kinda needs it. There is a LOT you can't teach a writer when they're new, and you might as well not kick their heart out from under them. They will learn in time the longer they keep at it, and if you murder their manuscript the first time they ask someone to look at it, they may really be shocked and disheartened.

As an extra note here: Please, please don't volunteer to beta for someone and then just disappear without explanation. We understand that betaing is generally a free/volunteer service we perform for each other, but if you thought you would have time and you didn't, or you're just not able to complete what you said you would, let the author know!

Thought Number Two: Give the author some sense of what they're doing right.

The most important function of a beta reader is to iron out kinks and give impressions, of course, but giving compliments can help a LOT with perspective even as it also functions to keep morale up during a potential pounding. Sometimes if you help a writer see what you're enjoying, they'll get some understanding on how to reinvent the parts of their story that need more massaging (or massive overhauls). And you don't have to do it in a patronizing way, like "this is good, this is the correct way to do scenes like this"; just do stuff like laugh at the funny parts, tell them when you're excited or anticipating the next plot point, yell at the characters when you get caught up in their lives, quote and praise pretty turns of phrase, and definitely identify where the author moved you.

Do everyone a favor, though, and don't heap praise on them if you don't really mean it just to cancel out whatever bad stuff you might want to say. Here's the thing. It sucks to have to be the one to tell someone that their book isn't ready or that it has a serious problem, but think about the people who have been terrible failures on talent shows who embarrassed themselves in front of a nation. Why didn't some kind soul in their family tell them they can't sing? Why didn't their boyfriend tell them their dance needs more practice? How cruel! It's kinda awful to find some tactful way to tell someone their work needs work--especially if the person believes their masterpiece is an exquisite work of art that needs no improvement--but if that person trusts you as a beta reader, you've got to tell the truth. I would hope that everyone I've betaed for accepts that I've been truthful, and that they can trust me if I say they're ready, too.

Sometimes authors will take ANY criticism poorly, I'm afraid, and there's no real way to avoid that. There are nice ways to say almost anything, but you will occasionally run into an author who only wants honesty if it's positive. Be ready for that, and if the author defends their choices aggressively instead of taking fair criticism, either gracefully back out of the project or be willing to only give praise for the rest of your involvement, trusting that they will learn the hard way from industry professionals if they won't listen to you.

Thought Number Three: When something's wrong, give perspective on why you don't like it.

If you don't like something in the book because of a personal pet peeve, say so. And say it's a personal pet peeve. If you don't like something in a book because it's offensive, or it gives incorrect information, or it's potentially too tropey, or you don't understand the characters' motivations, or you hate a character you're not supposed to hate, or you wanted to see fulfillment of a plot point and you didn't get to, or you're bored, or a character action comes out of left field and makes you feel like you misunderstood them or missed a detail . . . TELL THE AUTHOR. TELL THEM.

If you just say you didn't like a part, they won't know how or why to fix it, and they'll be disinclined to do so. But if you say WHY, they can learn something, and they have a better opportunity to determine whether your opinion is likely to be shared by others and therefore likely to need attention. But GIVE YOUR THINKING. Your reasoning can help another author SO MUCH. There's a huge difference between something being bad and you not liking the thing, and the author gets to decide how to interpret what you said. And if you, as the beta reader, KNOW it's just something you don't like, you can avoid saying anything at all unless you think it's really important for some reason. What might be better is figuring out what the author is trying to ACCOMPLISH, and measure whether they ACCOMPLISHED THAT, not about whether they satisfied you.

Keep in mind that if you're a more accomplished author than the person you're betaing for, your words will have more weight, so tread gently. And if you're betaing for someone more accomplished than you, you might feel like you don't have the right to criticize them--which is hogwash. So when you phrase your thoughts as your perspective and avoid making it prescriptive, you can assuage the awkwardness that comes with either side of this issue.

Thought Number Four: Don't tell them what to do.

This rides a little on the heels of Number Three: if you give the author perspective on why something of theirs isn't working, they already have the tools on how to fix it. Their instincts, as the creator of the material, are going to be more authentic than yours. And especially if you are the author's mentor or a senior author, they may feel like your word is law. You mustn't abuse this power. Telling them how to fix their book in very specific ways robs them of the experience of developing their own solutions.

Here's an example. Let's say you have a character who's distant and hard to relate to. Easy way to make the character more relatable? GIVE THEM A COMPANION. A companion can be really helpful in having someone for the character to bounce thoughts off of so the reader can understand them better, and has the added bonus of maybe making the character seem more accessible through the act of showing they at least have one friend. BUT! What if the author conceived this character as having no friends for a reason? What's your REAL problem with the character? It's that you find them distant and difficult to read. What if you say that instead, and the author decides to deal with this by giving the character a journaling hobby so you can hear her thoughts, or by giving her a pet to soften her up? If you plant the idea in the author's mind that the character's best option for being understood is to give her a BFF, the author might not solve the issue in their own way, and you'll have just put your footprint on someone else's work, possibly to its detriment.

So make sure you tell authors HOW YOU FEEL, not WHAT THEY SHOULD DO ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL. "I got bored during the action sequence," not "put more lasers and near-death situations in the escape." "I didn't really understand how his craft works," not "how about if you make him teach a class on the craft so readers can learn it too." "I got confused meeting all these characters at once," not "delete some of these characters, there are too many."

And finally, Thought Number Five: Ask questions!  

And I don't mean leading questions, like "Don't you think this would be better if Protagonist ended up with the OTHER love interest?" Ask them general questions, specific questions, questions about the world, questions about the characters--especially if you feel like maybe the author doesn't know the answers or hasn't thought about why they should have answers. Ask questions! How does that character feel about her sister? What would they wear to a dance? What would they have done if the trial had been decided the other way or if they'd never recovered the treasure or if they'd lost the contest?

You might consider looking up some questionnaires with prompts for the author to ask YOU as well--exchange a lengthy e-mail, set up a phone or Skype call, whatever works for you--and have a real conversation about the book where questions and answers are exchanged. You may actually want the answers to the questions you ask (and write them down as you read!), or you may just want the author to come up with answers as an exercise. And for the author, they may want to ask you stuff like "where did you put the book down, if you did? did you skip ahead anywhere?" and "was there a character you wished had more time onstage?" and "did you have any favorite lines or favorite scenes?" and "did you like how it ended or would you have wanted it to end differently?" You can ask the author why they chose to do certain things--things you like and things you don't. Ask!

As a beta reader, you're entrusted with one of the most important jobs in the industry--being a fresh perspective outside the author's head that can help bring a better version of an author's story out to the reading public. Good luck! . . . You'll need it!

[Goofy writing comics from webcomic So You Write.]

Personal Digest Saturday: May 6 – May 12

Life news this week: 

• Saturday was the highly anticipated FREE COMIC BOOK DAY! I met Victor at a Starbucks and we ran into Eric on our way to the first comic shop, Heroes Haven, so he drove us there. We got free comix and also saw Jeaux there! Then we went to Demolition Comics, then Nerd Out Comics, then Green Shift, all on the bus. And THEN we bused out to Brandon Mall! We got all kinds of great stuff and also he bought me dinner at a restaurant, and I got some nice drawings done too. He convinced me to take an Uber home after we got back into Tampa, because it was dark and he was worried about me getting home safe. It was a good day except I was very tired and fell asleep quickly when I got home.
• Sunday I did my music experiments and more drawings, and watched some cartoon reactions. Mom came over later and hung out a little while I drew.
• Monday I worked on a letter of response at work and at lunch I drew pictures of Steven Universe episodes. The episodes had already been released the week before on their cartoon app, so I'd seen them, but Monday was the beginning of a broadcast event so I doodled episode-related images of each and posted them to Facebook and Instagram each day around the airing (and also to get my friends to talk to me about the cartoons, haha).
• Tuesday I had to make a transcript for an interview to help my coworkers so that kept me busy most of the day. Then I came home and Mom came over and took me to Outback for dinner. It was my sister's birthday so I talked to her very briefly on the Facebook video chat! Nice to see her and her son.
• Wednesday I wrote a letter to Jessie and hung out with Jeaux after work. We ate at Vallarta's and I read him some feminist news. After he left I drew part of a picture for the next day's episode but while looking for a character reference I accidentally ran into another early-release episode on the cartoon app from the next season! So of course I badgered Jeaux to watch it and he did and I ended up awake until after 3 AM because cartoons.
• Thursday I was SUPER tired because of cartoon fiascos. I ran into a guy I'd met previously at the bus stop and we chatted more about writing and he says he's moving away. After work (and chatting with my first Pitch Wars mentee about cartoons), I went to Fresh Market for special food and invited my mom to a Mother's Day thing for Sunday. And I talked to Victor while drawing my webcomic.
• Friday at work was mostly uneventful. After work I had to finish my comic and I posted it and just watched cartoon reactions afterwards. 

New reviews of my book:

• Elizabeth Ponds gave it a five-star review on Goodreads.
• Emily gave it a three-star review on Goodreads.

Interviews, articles, mentions:

• redbeardace on Tumblr posted a photo of some ace books in the wild, including a couple copies of my book.
• The Asexual Agenda linked to my post about ace rep in SF/F in their weekly linkspam.
• My book was recommended in this thread and this thread on AVEN.

Reading progress:

• Finished this week: The Conscience of a Liberal by Paul Krugman. Four-star review.
• Currently reading: Eyeshield 21: Volume 27 by Riichiro Inagaki and Yusuke Murata.

New singing performances:

This week I performed "Babooshka" by Kate Bush. 

 

New drawings: 

Chill wife sleepy pic: It's Sapphire with Steven. I drew some of this on a bus.

"Poster" for "Lion 4: Alternate Ending."

"Poster" for "Doug Out."

"Poster" for "The Good Lars."

"Poster" for "Are You My Dad?" and "I Am My Mom."

Webcomic Negative One Issue 0626: "What You Want to Say."






New videos:

My latest unlisted ukulele video is "1234" by Feist.


New photos:

Selfie with the Joker at Demolition Comics.

Victor with the Joker at Demolition.

Victor snapped this.

Some bus ridin' fools going to Free Comic Book Day events.

Victor took my pic on the bus on our way somewhere.

Lookit all those free comics!

My co-worker brought heart-shaped donuts.

Random coffee selfie.

My belly gem thingie came in for the Stevonnie cosplay I'm doing in August!

(If you've never seen the character, this is Stevonnie.)

Social Media counts:
 
YouTube subscribers: 5,307 for swankivy (lost 2), 640 for JulieSondra (3 new). Twitter followers: 859 for swankivy (lost 2), 1,330 for JulieSondra (no change). Facebook: 292 friends (no change) and 207 followers (1 new) for swankivy, 652 likes for JulieSondra (no change), 54 likes for Negative One (lost 1), 125 likes for So You Write (no change). Tumblr followers: 2,492 (12 new). Instagram followers: 114 (2 new).

Alienated

One of my acquaintances had something bad happen to her at a convention just recently and out of curiosity I did some research on whether anyone else had bad experiences there. I found one. Except it was the other side of the coin. This guy wrote a very long piece describing a feeling of exclusion and alienation because the con had ~been taken over by SJWs~.

He described the posters up at the convention outlining the harassment policy and reminding people that touching others requires consent. He described the opening ceremonies including a nod to the Indian tribes in the area. He described the discussions of gender-neutral bathrooms. He discussed feminist panelists.

And he rattled these off as if it was therefore self-evident that this con was hostile to him because he is a straight white man.

He specifically said that in the article. That because of these inclusive and anti-harassment perspectives, he himself as a white male was therefore being subjected to hostility, and he felt "tolerated," as though he were one step from being ejected and as though any move to "disagree" with anyone would have him run off by pitchfork-wielding feminists come to separate him forcibly from his penis.

It is frankly baffling to me that people see "don't touch people without permission" posters and they feel alarm over that--they feel THEY have entered a HOSTILE ATMOSPHERE where their values may be compromised. But no, he said in the article, he does not believe he has a right to grope people without consent--not at all. It's just, you see, the posters announcing this policy do not actually do anything to stop the behavior, so therefore, all they are there to do is function as virtue signaling for leftists. What actually works to stop groping pervs, he says, is slapping them or screaming.

He says this while noting that he has never been made "a sex object" and has admittedly never experienced the behavior. But my my doesn't he know how you "should" deal with it!

Not taking into account how people who think they have the right to your body are much more likely to be violent right back if you were to startle them with screaming or actively hit them.

Not taking into account how people just like him would probably say the harassed party was wrong to turn to violence immediately instead of asking them politely to stop first and appealing to the convention management before resorting to hurting the aggressor or embarrassing him.

Not taking into account that there is no "right" way to be harassed that results in safe, effective curbing of the behavior in all kinds of instances.

Not taking into account that those posters don't simply function as "lol look at us our con believes in Consent Culture" but as advertisements that the management knows harassment happens at conventions and has published bold public statements declaring their intention to side with the victim on any incidents. That this space is not a safe one for people to just ~have some fun~ with whoever looks hot. No, posters don't stop assault and rape. But much like they made this guy uncomfortable, they have the power to make it clear where the priorities of the con's authorities lie. If there are attending pervs who are used to getting away with groping people in costumes or rubbing on people in front of them in line and exploiting the event to get some kicks, and they see those signs, they know the con management will not back them up if they do the good-ol'-boy whinge so familiar to many of us: "She overreacted. He couldn't take a joke. I was cosplaying and just doing what my character would do. They misinterpreted what I did. It was an accident. I didn't hurt them. He should loosen up if we're going to have fun at these cons. I was drunk. She was smiling so I didn't think she disliked it. I've done this before and nobody minded." Et cetera. Those posters say we're wise to the excuses, and they do not excuse you.

Imagine looking at signs like that and seeing hostility toward you and your ideology. Imagine seeing those posters and feeling that you must write an online screed about how you're never coming back to this con because you feel attacked at the very idea that people here have taken a stand against sexual assault.

He also said the convention is for tech geeks and SF nerds and he doesn't understand why there have to be any panels for BLACK geeks or FEMALE nerds or GAY fantasy because after all these historically MASSIVELY underrepresented and oppressed groups of people certainly have no special need for a panel about what's different in their experience or work, and surely the main point of doing these things is to get off on virtue signaling and to make straight white men unwelcome. Because a panel is carved out for someone who is explicitly not him. Because he's so used to said panels being for and about people like him, and doesn't realize that when they don't name a population it's aimed at, it defaults to addressing and tailoring to people like him. You do not need a panel that specifically discusses male involvement in SF or nerd culture or computers because it has been overwhelmingly male for so long that nothing is particularly unusual or unknown about that experience. If it were to become so, or there was a particular angle that men tie to their masculinity within this experience, it seems like a panel about it would be interesting, but how many men have ever thought it was needed? Until women identified the special challenges of being female in some of these fields and wanted to discuss those, that is. Then people like this guy went, "where's mine?"

And he not only went "where's mine?" but interpreted others having theirs as an act against him. This alienation he feels is his reaction to having things identified as not for him or as not primarily for him. He found about sixteen different ways to say "not all men" in the post, failing to understand that including a specific group by name is not the same thing as disincluding all men and designating them as not good enough to participate. And furthermore, if it actually IS designed as a space for only a certain demographic to discuss their experience, as some caucuses have been when I've gone to activism conferences, I am not offended that I don't belong in that room. When I went to the asexuality conference in Toronto and there were several caucuses devoted to disabled aces, aces of color, and religious aces, I didn't think, well, where's MINE? Where's a room for ABLE-BODIED WHITE ATHEISTIC PAGAN ACES anyway? Spaces are already readily accessible to me all the time as a person without a disability. I never experience racism. I don't have a need for a discussion about how my religion impacts my sexuality. I went to panels that were relevant to me, and I didn't resent the existence of the ones that weren't about me, nor did I feel that the con's decision to designate these as special minority needs were hostile to me as someone who did not need them.

I have, however, experienced hostility in plenty of nerdy spaces. As a woman with a fair number of geeky interests, I've been condescended to, harassed, and propositioned inappropriately in places and at events with primarily male participation, and I was certainly treated like I was at best a curiosity, at worst an interloper who should provide some kind of service or GTFO. I've been treated like I had to earn the respect that was given to male participants as a matter of course, and I've had men completely disregard what I said about comics to tell me stuff I already know until I become so obnoxious and unpleasant in showing them my knowledge that they decide I'm a bitch. (Meanwhile if any other guy came up to them and started interrupting them or assuming they didn't know what they knew, they'd think that guy was a jerk. But some dudes by default assume women do not have their knowledge, or that if they do, they're a rare exception.) So if I'm in a space that not only declares its support for me but has panels about my specific experience, I think "Okay, this is a place I belong."

It's really, really gross to me that someone sees explicit inclusion of someone else as a warning sign that they themselves are therefore not invited and must be explicitly unwelcome. 

It's like if a meat-eater went to a restaurant and saw that there was a vegetarian section on the menu and decided that meant it was hostile to meat-eaters, or interpreted the restaurant owners as judging him for eating meat or declaring a preference for vegetarians. 

Without understanding or acknowledging that outside of this space and at most restaurants, it is harder for vegetarians to find food appropriate for them; without understanding or acknowledging that in most places they just assume you eat meat and are happy to cook your food with meat products unless you make special arrangements; without understanding or acknowledging that most of the menu is still for them and doesn't have to be designated "for meat-eaters" because you can see it is for you because it is steak; without understanding or acknowledging that you still have many many dishes you can eat and that you can even eat the vegetarian ones if you like what they're offering. (I guess a restaurant analogy for the ones that are like specialized panels just for certain populations might be like if a restaurant offers gluten-free products, but specifies that they have limited resources and therefore only offer these alternatives to people with gluten allergies or intolerances.) 

It speaks volumes that someone who has always been catered to in these spaces feels that something is being taken from him if others are explicitly invited to share it (and are reassured that roadblocks to their enjoyment of it in the past may be lessened or eliminated). It's an attack on them and a limitation of their freedom to have opinions, and it's part of a leftist takeover that just won't let them live.

I gotta say I was amused when the guy also admitted that not a soul harassed him, questioned his politics, or asked him to leave a space. He just imagined that they would do so if he opened his mouth. And he resents that the kinds of antifeminist and anti-inclusive language he'd like to feel free to use would seem hostile to us. It's like the religious folks who claim religious discrimination when they aren't given the freedom to treat gay people as second-class citizens. YOUR freedom is not being infringed upon because we made the world safer for someone else and your definition of freedom has always been contingent upon being free from having to think about or consider them.

It's vile.

Wednesday Factoid: Everyday Superpower

Today's Wednesday Factoid is: What's your everyday superpower? (e.g., a thing you do at parties, a talent that impresses people, or a special skill others rely on you for)

I guess an easy answer for me is typing--I'm faster than almost everyone I know (and with the ones who might be close to my typing speed, it would be a bitter contest to prove who's faster). Recently, when I was looking for a job, one of the requirements to apply was submitting a recent typing test. I did so during the wee hours of the morning, and the company called me a few hours later, interviewed me, and offered me a job the same day. (I didn't take the job but ya know. Fun story.) 

But I think a better "everyday superpower" for me is probably remembering stuff. I don't do memory tricks like reciting pi or spitting out what date something obscure happened, but I'm the go-to person for remembering kind of miscellaneous everything. My friends and family ask me for random facts, vocabulary words, people's names, passwords . . . but more than that, I always know where to find things if I have to get them for someone. (And sometimes I'll just know it. Like, you want that recipe? I could send you the link, or just write it down for you right now.)

To be honest, I mostly just use it for cartoon trivia. ;)

Personal Digest Saturday: April 29 – May 5

Life news this week: 

• Saturday I had a pretty chill day, with some housework and some ukulele practice and a little video-making session.
  
• Sunday Sarah and David came over and we all went to breakfast at Keke's, and then they took me to Barnes and Noble to spend my late birthday gift (a gift certificate!). I went in there like "oh I'm not looking for anything in particular" and left with six new books. :/ After they left, I did my music recordings and then my mom took me shopping and I helped her with her tax things and we ate rice together.
  
• Monday I wrote my first Pitch Wars Mentee a feedback letter about his latest book. After I got home I went right back out to buy cosplay clothes at Target (moderately successful), and then when I got home Jeaux invited me out for impromptu quesadillas so I did that too. I was really tired upon returning home so I conked out early.
  
• Tuesday I sent a plant to a co-worker who's in the hospital, went home, and finished my Ruby doodle which turned out pretty cute but had uncomplicated lighting. Also did a little laundry since I didn't get any done Sunday.
  
• Wednesday I had some intense work on a package delivery for the office, and then rode the bus home through some scary rain that mysteriously wasn't targeting my destination. Jeaux and I got our bikes and ate at Glory Days. Kind of wasn't a great experience though. We also listened to Night Vale and I fell asleep after he left.
  
• Thursday I wrote a letter to Corinne and played with my Access database at work. I barely escaped a bout of rain that chased me home and started falling about three minutes after I walked in the door. Wow! I ate eggs and mushrooms and talked to Victor on the phone.
  
• Friday a cartoon event called "StevenBomb 6" began--it's premiering on television next week, but if you had the network's app on your phone, you could watch all the episodes early. Yikes! Jeaux and I made plans to watch it together which meant I had to survive in the world for my entire workday knowing they were out there and I hadn't seen them. Horrible huh? I know, the torture I endure. After helping my work team with a PowerPoint presentation they ended up not even really being able to give, I left on the bus and met Jeaux at his house. He made me fake chicken nuggets and bought french fries, and we hung out and watched a bunch of new cartoons and and we were very happy. I went home and posted my webcomic and that's all.

Reading progress:

• Finished this week: Nothing this week!
• Currently reading: The Conscience of a Liberal by Paul Krugman.

New singing performances:

This week I performed "It's Over, Isn't It" by Rebecca Sugar (from Steven Universe). I've played this on ukulele before but now this is just a piano karaoke version, and I could concentrate on the singing more!

 

New drawings: 

Steven and Ruby have burned themselves out.
(I'm sure Ruby's wife is somewhere nearby chillin'.)

Webcomic Negative One Issue 0625: "Quiet."






New videos:

My latest writing video is about chasing the dream. It's not necessary to put a time limit on success or measure it by ability to live off your art.



My latest unlisted ukulele video is "Dear Old Dad" from Steven Universe. Sorry, it's awkward because it's a duet between a teenage boy and his dad and I am neither a teenage boy nor a dad.



New photos:

My Steven Universe shirt collection is big.

Jeaux cooked fake chicken nuggets and got fries for our cartoon marathon.

Some items I've gotten for my Stevonnie cosplay, which I'll do in August.

Social Media counts:
 
YouTube subscribers: 5,309 for swankivy (2 new), 637 for JulieSondra (lost 1). Twitter followers: 861 for swankivy (3 new), 1,330 for JulieSondra (no change). Facebook: 292 friends (1 new, friends with Michael) and 206 followers (lost 1) for swankivy, 652 likes for JulieSondra (2 new), 55 likes for Negative One (no change), 125 likes for So You Write (no change). Tumblr followers: 2,480 (lost 3). Instagram followers: 112 (lost 1).

Someone to take care of you

I won't elaborate too much on the rest of this interaction, but once upon a time, some extremely bizarre man contacted me with some kind of language tangle that he had mistaken for a reasoned perspective. The initial contact included such gems as opinions on trans people's gender-affirming surgery counting as "mutilation" and thoughts on how the decrease in the number of churches has probably caused the increase in violent crimes in the nation (and no one's noticed and no one's talking about it!!!). But when I engaged with this fellow confused about his message and why he'd sent it to me, he also offered the following judgment:

"As an asexual person who will not marry or reproduce, you're irresponsible, because you surely have no plan for supporting yourself when you're old."

This was the only thing this jackass said to me that really made me think.

Not in the way he believes me made me think, but I digress.

Mostly, what I thought was I can't believe marriage and children is considered an old-age plan. Especially marriage! Theoretically, you are going to get old at around the same time as your spouse, and if one of you needs to be "taken care of," what happens when/if the other one needs that help too? It's amazing to me that this fellow thought he'd rubbed a trump card in my face by stating that I was screwing myself over by not getting married because no one would be there to take care of me when I'm old.

If I can take a nice sharp turn into straight-up feminist commentary for a moment, let me say that this is a typically male perspective, unfortunately. Men in our culture do frequently see women as their caretakers (of them, of their children, of their home), while they are "providers." So it isn't that surprising to me that this guy thinks getting married is partly so he can be assured a caretaker when he's old. Women do typically outlive men by a pretty large margin. So when guys like him say "someone to take care of you when you're old," he's really thinking "a woman will take care of me when I'm old." Who takes care of her? How is this a good insurance policy if you're banking on becoming infirm but you have no way of knowing who it will happen to first and whether the other will be in any state to do the caretaking when it happens?

But. Furthermore. You can argue that when someone marries you and says some variation of "in sickness and in health," they are indeed agreeing to become your caretaker if you are able to care for yourself at the time of marriage but later can no longer care for yourself. But children? They agree to no such thing. They don't agree to take care of their parents the way their parents "agreed" to take care of them when they created them. It's not part of the deal.

I would argue that it's nice, and maybe to some extent expected. I plan to take some kind of active role in caring for my parents (and am already doing so for my mother where she needs it, but she doesn't need active daily care--just help with some things). It's a tad "ungrateful" (to use a word I hate) to figure it's fine for your parents to raise you and then you don't help them when they need you to return the favor, but the difference there is consent--your parents participated explicitly in creating you and your parents are, by law, responsible for you and obligated to provide for you until the age of majority. There is no such law to obligate children to care for their parents. And I don't believe having children as a strategy to obtain old-age care is very sound. If you want security and relative assurance that you'll receive what you expect, you'll do much better if you start a fund for it.

The guy who offered me this condescending perspective was almost smug about it--he gave me this I bet you haven't thought of this fatal flaw in your lifestyle attitude throughout the barely lucid scrawl of his rant. But I'd argue that if your plan for old age is "get married and have kids," it's not sound at all. As mentioned, you don't know if your spouse will need you before you need them, and you don't have any guarantee that any children you have won't need long-term care if they're born or later become disabled. Far from being the ass-covering strategy this jerk portrayed it as, getting married and having kids is what everything in life is: fraught with unexpected outcomes. How dare this ignorant person grinningly assign me a failure to cover my bases?

As an unmarried woman with no kids, I have no one else to support and no one depending on me, and no legal obligations to provide for anyone. I am therefore quite well equipped to create my own savings and future plan for retirement and old-age support. I'm actively doing that, actually. The fact that this guy could sneeringly evaluate my situation as dangerously poor planning without even asking me (and that he thought it was his business!) speaks far more to his own failure to consider options than it does to my supposed failure to secure my future.

Getting married and/or having kids isn't a path to obtaining old-age care. And not being married and/or having no kids isn't a sign that you've been lax in planning your life.