Today's Wednesday Factoid is: Were you ever bullied in school?
Oh yeah. You better believe I was bullied.
I don't think it was incredibly intense. I don't recall being the specific target of any large-scale bullying campaigns or anything, but you know, you do the math. I'm quiet and small and daydreamed a lot and read a lot and took advanced classes. People like me were always targets.
I don't recall any extensive physical bullying, thankfully. I did have a boy in fourth grade who used to try to touch me on the playground (petting my hair and stuff) and when I'd run away from him he'd chase me, catch up to me easily, and then put both hands on my shoulders from behind and jump so his weight went down on me and I'd fall. He also used to pester me to give him my snacks in the classroom. I told the teacher and she got him to stop, though I also got to hear from other people that I should find it flattering because he probably liked me.
When I was older, in middle school, there was a boy whose last name was so close to mine that we were always next to each other if lockers or seats were arranged in alphabetical order. He was an absolute ass, and used to do stuff like waiting until I was done with an assignment before leaning over and scribbling on my paper with a pen so I'd have to copy it over, or wiping spit on me, or one time he hit his own head on my locker door when he wasn't looking and he blamed me for it (and "punished" me for it by slamming my own locker door against me so I had a bruise, and weirdly he called me a "faggot" while he was doing it, so I guess he didn't know what that word meant).
That same guy used to chase and kick my best friend, and I mean they would kick each other very hard and practically wrestle. I counted myself lucky that no one would do that to me, but she was bigger than him and I guess maybe it's not very satisfying to hit or hurt someone who's really small. When we were in high school he tried to be nice and sociable to me and I didn't accept it.
Boys who rode my bus in middle school latched onto harassing me pretty early on. These two clowns from my neighborhood would sit behind wherever I sat, and they would make fun of me for not having friends to sit with. One of them would lean over the seat and ask me over and over again "Are you a loner?" and then both boys would laugh. One day one of them put gum in my hair and everyone laughed at me for crying about it. I was also again told that these boys liked me and didn't know how to show it.
I'm not really sure if the bullying "stopped" in high school or if I just didn't give a crap? I had a lot of other stuff going on and had things to be passionate about, I guess. I was also more confident and had more friends around me who had common interests, so I guess I looked like less of a target. I did tend to be friends with people who weren't typical, though, so I guess I'd occasionally deal with nonsense, but nothing like elementary and middle school.
I did have a couple weird little incidents in college, though. And again, it was a symptom of being alone, apparently. In music school we were required to be in an ensemble, and for singers that meant choral groups. I auditioned to get into the audition-only selective group, University Choir, figuring if I didn't get in I'd just join one of the open groups, but I did get in. Which, unbeknownst to me at the time, meant singing with people much older than me (upperclassmen and grad students). I believe there were two freshmen in the group of fifty. So I didn't know anyone from my classes.
I took to reading before class and during class breaks instead of talking to people around me--most of my interactions with the older sopranos around me were weirdly antagonistic, so I kept to myself. At the end of the year there was a sort of unofficial yearbook that someone made, and it had some photos of the members. All of the photos of other people were with groups, smiling or posing, and then there was a shot of me, by myself, reading. I don't think there was a caption. At an event celebrating the culmination of the year, I got a gag award for being an airhead. It was called the "Hello! Up here!" award. Yeah, I got to get called to a podium during an event and receive the "award." That's a really gross thing to do. Though I do recall that a bunch of the awards were in poor taste. (I don't remember the title of this one, but one girl received an "award" that implied no one knew who she was or could remember her name unless you refer to her by the size of her boobs.)
There was also this dude in that class who took a liking to pestering me. He had a girlfriend and was a frat boy, but people I talked to about it STILL said he must just be an unconfident guy who didn't know how to talk to girls. (I'm really, really sick of that narrative.) I actually forget what he even did. I just remember he'd come find me and say inappropriate things to me and then laugh when I didn't like it. And the interactions always felt like he thought we were playing, but I'd make it clear I didn't want to play and didn't like him, and he'd still give me the "you know you like it" nonsense. Weirdly, this bully had a redemption. We did Secret Santas in our choral group, and I have a history of getting secret partners who literally give me nothing or get me something inappropriate (in Girl Scouts my secret pal never got any gifts for me except ONE time and it was a candy cane pen--for the girl who doesn't celebrate Christmas). But that year I got a couple really nice packages, including a tee shirt for a cartoon I liked.
When the secret partners were revealed, I found out not only was my Secret Santa this guy, but that he'd gone to the organizers and requested me. He wrote me a note saying he realized he'd been teasing me all year and had only recently realized that he'd gone too far and wanted to make it up to me. That was relatively cool of him. Still kinda felt like too little too late (and people somehow always manage to underestimate how small I am; the tee shirt was too big), but it's a way better story than most.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Monday, October 10, 2016
Deliberate deception and confirmation bias
CW: mention of child rape, sexual assault, crass language
Two evils of gathering information through social media are the potential to mislead through ignorance and the potential to mislead deliberately.
I obviously hate the latter more. And I generally am not friends with too many people (knowingly, anyway) who are willing to obscure facts on purpose to get their way. I have seen too much of this in, specifically, the asexual community to avoid recognizing its scent in other contexts--we have, to use a recent example, people who redefine the term "demisexual" to exaggerate what it means so they can mock it and accuse demisexual people of "special snowflaking" their identity. I'm not sure why it doesn't cause cognitive dissonance for them if they knowingly distort what they're describing so it's easier to make fun of it, but they do it all the time. The fact that they have to fabricate before potential allies turn on the target does not seem to bother them.
But then we have politics.
Lately, in an attempt to "get back" at "the other side," two political posts have been going around. One is claiming Hillary Clinton volunteered as a lawyer for a child rapist and laughed at the child's fate. The other is claiming Barack Obama has "demanded ribs and pussy." These have been circulated uncritically among some people, and they are both DELIBERATE reframings of things that did not happen. Someone DELIBERATELY took these stories and replaced reality with nonsense to make their subjects look bad.
Two evils of gathering information through social media are the potential to mislead through ignorance and the potential to mislead deliberately.
I obviously hate the latter more. And I generally am not friends with too many people (knowingly, anyway) who are willing to obscure facts on purpose to get their way. I have seen too much of this in, specifically, the asexual community to avoid recognizing its scent in other contexts--we have, to use a recent example, people who redefine the term "demisexual" to exaggerate what it means so they can mock it and accuse demisexual people of "special snowflaking" their identity. I'm not sure why it doesn't cause cognitive dissonance for them if they knowingly distort what they're describing so it's easier to make fun of it, but they do it all the time. The fact that they have to fabricate before potential allies turn on the target does not seem to bother them.
But then we have politics.
Lately, in an attempt to "get back" at "the other side," two political posts have been going around. One is claiming Hillary Clinton volunteered as a lawyer for a child rapist and laughed at the child's fate. The other is claiming Barack Obama has "demanded ribs and pussy." These have been circulated uncritically among some people, and they are both DELIBERATE reframings of things that did not happen. Someone DELIBERATELY took these stories and replaced reality with nonsense to make their subjects look bad.
There are LEGITIMATE reasons to criticize these politicians. People who do not like them should criticize what they actually DID DO AND SAY.
Hillary Clinton did not eagerly defend a child rapist (she was appointed because he demanded a woman lawyer and she was one of the only ones available in the county at the time, and she explicitly tried to get out of it), and she did not laugh at the child's fate (one of the things she "laughed at" in the interview was that the rapist passed a lie detector test while lying, and she was chuckling at the absurdity while saying her faith in those machines was lost). The rapist was also pleading guilty, so she did not prove him innocent or whatever the latest meme is telling you. Someone took this case and tried to paint her as a monster for things she did not do, and they did it knowingly because they would have had to read or listen to the interviews to get those details. If you want to view her as a monster, at least use something she DID.
Barack Obama did not get recorded demanding ribs and pussy. Obama was the narrator for the audio track of his book. The line is from his book and it is quoting the words of another person. This one grosses me out even more because someone who has more than a passing knowledge of Obama's content went in and extracted this with an INTENTIONAL DECEPTION to make it seem like our current president is as crass and sexist and predatory as the Republican nominee. If you want to view Obama as awful, there are a TON of things he's actually done that you can jump on.
I am very very disappointed in anyone who passes this false information on. Almost as much as I'm disappointed in the people who made them. I don't know those people, and I know they think they're helping their "side" by lying about the other one. But I've seen a couple of my FRIENDS share one or both of these. And I am disgusted to know that instead of actually checking whether these bizarre reports are true . . . they just shared them. Maybe they wanted them to be true, or didn't actually care whether they were because hey, even if they weren't, surely they encapsulate what that person actually believes or would do, right? Doesn't matter if the actual described incident ever happened, because pretending it did fits with what they want to believe about that politician. They probably would have looked for evidence if it was someone they respected, but they don't mind spreading lies if it's about someone they don't like.
That fundamental dishonesty is a trait I will not tolerate in a friend.
When the truth doesn't even matter to you because you already know what you believe about someone else, okay. You're entitled to live in a hole and believe things that are literally not accurate at all. I think the big problem begins when you become one of the pathways by which the false information gets spread. You (possibly gleefully, possibly just uncritically) share damning information that was literally divorced from its context so that it could make someone look like they said/did a bad thing, and you don't feel like that's a dishonest thing to do because it fits with what you already believed. You saw a lie consistent with how you think of that person, your confirmation bias led you to nod your head and join hands with others who are telling the world this thing happened, and you act like it doesn't actually matter when the lies all come out in the wash. It is so easy in our age of information to check whether something is true. I have no respect for you at all if this is how you live your life and this is how you share information.
I saw a conversation on a friend's feed from a guy who was obnoxiously sharing the Hillary story and pasting it everywhere, ignoring when point-by-point debunkings were offered (with sources). This guy also claimed Donald Trump could not have committed any sexual assault–related crimes because he was never convicted, but in the same conversation claimed that Hillary Clinton's failure to be convicted in an investigation was evidence that the courts were corrupt and biased. For this guy, lack of conviction for Trump proves he never did anything wrong, while lack of conviction for Clinton means there's something wrong with the system. He had no qualms whatsoever in stating publicly that he knows Clinton is guilty of wrongdoing despite an investigation determining otherwise, but that only a conviction would prove that Trump did anything criminal. And he doesn't think this is a demonstration of hypocrisy.
That's because in spite of all the blustering about due process, he thinks he has the ability to determine objective reality with his gut. And his gut is what he listens to. In spite of facts blaring on loudspeakers, with open invitations to read documents and view sources. The truth has a really hard time being shared if people who don't want to believe it go out of their way to avoid looking at it.
They're so transparent, but these people are part of our friend circles and our families. They avoid criticism sometimes by claiming relationships shouldn't be destroyed by ~differences of opinion~ and ~politics~, but I disagree. This isn't as simple as agreeing to disagree or political preference. This is a fundamental, deliberate denial of reality, and it is an enabling of deceivers who have an easier job day by day poisoning minds with tales of events that never happened, and it is having immediate, devastating, personal consequences in the lives of everyone who has been victimized by rape culture and sexual assault, among other things. This isn't just hee hee, lie about child rape and suggestive language to get your enemies in hot water. This is exploitative untruth that is making the world safer for abusers by spreading the lie that everyone talks like this. Everyone's guilty. Everyone's terrible. They're all equally awful. Plus Clinton's a woman and Obama's black, so we can say sexist and racist things that should make the white guy come out on top. (It's beside the point really, but I'm still baffled at how people seem to hate Clinton worse for getting cheated on than they hate Trump for doing the cheating, repeatedly.)
If you disagree with something or someone, argue with their argument. Argue with what they are actually saying and doing. If they're as horrible as your gut knows they are, you should be able to find something they're doing or saying that you don't have to take out of context or give new context before it seems horrible. If you literally can't find something that helps you smear the person you're trying to smear without lying, hiding facts, or framing the facts dishonestly, then why do you really hate them?
Answer that before you participate in character assassination that literally isn't based on reality. Answer that before you click share.
And get acquainted with debunking sites or just plain easy Internet research, for cheese's sake.
Hillary Clinton did not eagerly defend a child rapist (she was appointed because he demanded a woman lawyer and she was one of the only ones available in the county at the time, and she explicitly tried to get out of it), and she did not laugh at the child's fate (one of the things she "laughed at" in the interview was that the rapist passed a lie detector test while lying, and she was chuckling at the absurdity while saying her faith in those machines was lost). The rapist was also pleading guilty, so she did not prove him innocent or whatever the latest meme is telling you. Someone took this case and tried to paint her as a monster for things she did not do, and they did it knowingly because they would have had to read or listen to the interviews to get those details. If you want to view her as a monster, at least use something she DID.
Barack Obama did not get recorded demanding ribs and pussy. Obama was the narrator for the audio track of his book. The line is from his book and it is quoting the words of another person. This one grosses me out even more because someone who has more than a passing knowledge of Obama's content went in and extracted this with an INTENTIONAL DECEPTION to make it seem like our current president is as crass and sexist and predatory as the Republican nominee. If you want to view Obama as awful, there are a TON of things he's actually done that you can jump on.
I am very very disappointed in anyone who passes this false information on. Almost as much as I'm disappointed in the people who made them. I don't know those people, and I know they think they're helping their "side" by lying about the other one. But I've seen a couple of my FRIENDS share one or both of these. And I am disgusted to know that instead of actually checking whether these bizarre reports are true . . . they just shared them. Maybe they wanted them to be true, or didn't actually care whether they were because hey, even if they weren't, surely they encapsulate what that person actually believes or would do, right? Doesn't matter if the actual described incident ever happened, because pretending it did fits with what they want to believe about that politician. They probably would have looked for evidence if it was someone they respected, but they don't mind spreading lies if it's about someone they don't like.
That fundamental dishonesty is a trait I will not tolerate in a friend.
When the truth doesn't even matter to you because you already know what you believe about someone else, okay. You're entitled to live in a hole and believe things that are literally not accurate at all. I think the big problem begins when you become one of the pathways by which the false information gets spread. You (possibly gleefully, possibly just uncritically) share damning information that was literally divorced from its context so that it could make someone look like they said/did a bad thing, and you don't feel like that's a dishonest thing to do because it fits with what you already believed. You saw a lie consistent with how you think of that person, your confirmation bias led you to nod your head and join hands with others who are telling the world this thing happened, and you act like it doesn't actually matter when the lies all come out in the wash. It is so easy in our age of information to check whether something is true. I have no respect for you at all if this is how you live your life and this is how you share information.
I saw a conversation on a friend's feed from a guy who was obnoxiously sharing the Hillary story and pasting it everywhere, ignoring when point-by-point debunkings were offered (with sources). This guy also claimed Donald Trump could not have committed any sexual assault–related crimes because he was never convicted, but in the same conversation claimed that Hillary Clinton's failure to be convicted in an investigation was evidence that the courts were corrupt and biased. For this guy, lack of conviction for Trump proves he never did anything wrong, while lack of conviction for Clinton means there's something wrong with the system. He had no qualms whatsoever in stating publicly that he knows Clinton is guilty of wrongdoing despite an investigation determining otherwise, but that only a conviction would prove that Trump did anything criminal. And he doesn't think this is a demonstration of hypocrisy.
That's because in spite of all the blustering about due process, he thinks he has the ability to determine objective reality with his gut. And his gut is what he listens to. In spite of facts blaring on loudspeakers, with open invitations to read documents and view sources. The truth has a really hard time being shared if people who don't want to believe it go out of their way to avoid looking at it.
They're so transparent, but these people are part of our friend circles and our families. They avoid criticism sometimes by claiming relationships shouldn't be destroyed by ~differences of opinion~ and ~politics~, but I disagree. This isn't as simple as agreeing to disagree or political preference. This is a fundamental, deliberate denial of reality, and it is an enabling of deceivers who have an easier job day by day poisoning minds with tales of events that never happened, and it is having immediate, devastating, personal consequences in the lives of everyone who has been victimized by rape culture and sexual assault, among other things. This isn't just hee hee, lie about child rape and suggestive language to get your enemies in hot water. This is exploitative untruth that is making the world safer for abusers by spreading the lie that everyone talks like this. Everyone's guilty. Everyone's terrible. They're all equally awful. Plus Clinton's a woman and Obama's black, so we can say sexist and racist things that should make the white guy come out on top. (It's beside the point really, but I'm still baffled at how people seem to hate Clinton worse for getting cheated on than they hate Trump for doing the cheating, repeatedly.)
If you disagree with something or someone, argue with their argument. Argue with what they are actually saying and doing. If they're as horrible as your gut knows they are, you should be able to find something they're doing or saying that you don't have to take out of context or give new context before it seems horrible. If you literally can't find something that helps you smear the person you're trying to smear without lying, hiding facts, or framing the facts dishonestly, then why do you really hate them?
Answer that before you participate in character assassination that literally isn't based on reality. Answer that before you click share.
And get acquainted with debunking sites or just plain easy Internet research, for cheese's sake.
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Personal Digest Saturday: October 1 – October 7
Life news this week:
New reviews of my book:
This week's performance was a pretty weird choice for me: "November Rain" by Guns N' Roses.
New drawings:
Webcomic Negative One Issue 0595: "Just a Flash."
New videos:
I didn't really make any "real" videos this week, but here's me messing around on the ukulele trying to sing "Come to My Window" by Melissa Etheridge. It's not very good so it's not public on my channel, but you guys can watch it.
New photos:
Social Media counts:
YouTube subscribers: 5,345 for swankivy (lost 2), 601 for JulieSondra (no change). Twitter followers: 840 for swankivy (2 new), 1,306 for JulieSondra (8 new). Facebook: 294 friends (no change, but I friended Jodi and Victor's ex [temporarily?] unfriended everyone they had in common, so that makes it even) and 200 followers (lost 1, probably Victor's ex) for swankivy, 643 likes for JulieSondra (1 new), 56 likes for Negative One (no change), 126 likes for So You Write (no change). Tumblr followers: 2,467 (1 new). Instagram followers: 86 (lost 1).
- Saturday was uneventful--did some treadmill reading, blogging, tidying up, and very slight maintenance on Internet stuff.
- Sunday
I had my friends Ben and Jodi over. I had not seen them since 2002!
They were in town for a wedding and decided to hang out at my house. We
ordered pizza and spent 90% of the time talking about Steven Universe
and musicals. We also watched an episode of the cartoon Jodi hadn't
seen yet, at Ben's suggestion. (She's almost caught up.) They liked my
toys. After they left I worked on my big video project.
- Monday
I went to work early. I had to work on a letter for the DOT, and we got
that done, plus some other stuff. Cute new shorts came out for Steven Universe--five of them!
I also cooked some tofu and mushrooms early in the morning, but it was
probably not good anymore because I got sick and almost didn't go to
work the next day.
- Tuesday I still went to work even
though I felt bad, because there was a lot of stuff I needed to get
done, but I left early. Mom came over in the evening and made me some
shribble soup, and she did my grocery shopping for me. It was pretty
nice. :) She fell asleep on my couch and when I woke up in the morning
she had left.
- Wednesday was more work things and Jeaux
Day. We ate at IHOP and watched the cartoon shorts at my house, and
mostly just hung out not doing anything.
- Thursday I
bought stuff for my Halloween costume, did some office work, and worked
on my video at home. Also talked to Victor on the phone while drawing.
- Friday was a low-key day at work and I also got to enjoy some Internet clips taken at the New York Comic Con where there was a SU panel. At home I finished my comic and did nothing astounding.
New reviews of my book:
- Just one one-star review on Audible where the reviewer--who has only ever reviewed one book, mine--opines that it is "garbage." LOL
- Tumblr blogger sergeanttomycaptain quoted my book in a post, with some glowing tags.
- Finished this week: Avatar: The Search, Volume 2 by Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko. Four-star review.
- Currently reading: Little Women by Louisa May Alcott.
This week's performance was a pretty weird choice for me: "November Rain" by Guns N' Roses.
New drawings:
Webcomic Negative One Issue 0595: "Just a Flash."
New videos:
I didn't really make any "real" videos this week, but here's me messing around on the ukulele trying to sing "Come to My Window" by Melissa Etheridge. It's not very good so it's not public on my channel, but you guys can watch it.
New photos:
![]() |
| We had to take a group photo at the office, so this is our work group. |
Social Media counts:
YouTube subscribers: 5,345 for swankivy (lost 2), 601 for JulieSondra (no change). Twitter followers: 840 for swankivy (2 new), 1,306 for JulieSondra (8 new). Facebook: 294 friends (no change, but I friended Jodi and Victor's ex [temporarily?] unfriended everyone they had in common, so that makes it even) and 200 followers (lost 1, probably Victor's ex) for swankivy, 643 likes for JulieSondra (1 new), 56 likes for Negative One (no change), 126 likes for So You Write (no change). Tumblr followers: 2,467 (1 new). Instagram followers: 86 (lost 1).
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Wednesday Factoid: Leader
Today's Wednesday Factoid is: When in your life have you been a leader?
I've been "a leader" in quite a number of ways. I have a weird relationship with leadership. Most of the other people I know who are comfortable with leadership are people who actively want to lead--who are in fact uncomfortable if they're not in charge. I'm not really interested in being in charge. But if it falls to me, I can do it well.
In small ways I've done things like calling the shots and assigning duties in group projects in school, or taking charge in the section of the bookstore I was responsible for, revolutionizing several aspects of it and creating my own resources when the company-issued ones weren't enough. In larger ways I've taken careful stock of the amount of attention and power that have been given to my words and have approached leadership in the asexual community with careful confidence.
I am a pretty confident person in most situations. It's hard to intimidate me or make me feel like my perspective doesn't matter. It can definitely happen--especially in situations where I am explicitly not a leader, like at my day job. I'm in a support position at my day job, and literally everyone who works there is essentially the boss of me. I let them do all the leading and call all the shots. I don't have a problem with taking direction.
As an eldest child, I think I was trained from early life to be comfortable with setting an example. My sister has told me a few times that she was grateful to have someone doing everything before she did to soften the ground a little--to give her a peek at what she'd be doing next, and if I survived, she could too. I didn't know this as a child, but I guess I just kind of "knew" it, and doing everything first didn't seem scary whatsoever. It's interesting to hear from her that the same thing I was neutral or excited about was intimidating for her.
I'm not at all uncomfortable with my biggest "leadership" role, though sometimes I guess it's . . . heavy? I feel like it just comes with the territory. Outsiders to my community will still listen to me on issues that affect us, while insiders will end up represented by what I say about "us" regardless of how many disclaimers I invoke. I aim for some mixture of commanding the so-called stage and stepping aside when I can (and when it's comfortable for the people I defer to). For instance, I believe I ended up in the place I did because I make good content and I've been consistent about providing it across a variety of media, but I have also been assisted on this journey with the magical grease of privilege. I'm white, upper middle class, not disabled, cisgender, presumably neurotypical. I fit into some categories that make the world take me more seriously, while they might use elements that don't apply to me to marginalize and mock others in my community. So sometimes I have used my stage to describe the issues more marginalized asexual people experience as they've described it to me, or (if the "stage" allows) I will hand over the mic. The media has a history of featuring almost exclusively white asexuality representatives, so one thing I've done is speak privately to ace activists of color and have received permission from several who are comfortable speaking to media to pass on their contact information so we can diversify somewhat on that particular front.
I started with asexual awareness activism primarily with the perspective that I was explaining myself to non-asexual people, but when I received so much attention from other asexual people, that became my primary highlight--I could afford to speak on their behalf when they didn't or couldn't do so, and even though it sometimes takes a lot out of me, I recognize that my privileges insulate me from what some of them would risk or lose for speaking out. The benefits to leading are mostly just that ineffable "attention" experience--if that's what you want, and sometimes it's cool, sometimes not--and of course the fact that I have a supportive network to lean on when I need help, and I had the connections I needed to get a book published (which also involves monetary compensation sometimes). The other people I've met and connected with and helped have been the best part of the leadership experience. The worst part is always feeling like anything I do or say is happening on a stage, and if I mess up then hyper-critical members of my community or communities adjacent to mine might crucify me. Sometimes they're wrong, or they do it in an ultimately non-constructive way, but most of the time I think my bigger megaphone DOES mean I should be held to a stricter standard on what I say.
Sometimes when I'm in asexual spaces I'm just kind of expected to take the reins, and it's uncomfortable if I don't, so I do it without complaining. Like, I've been an audience member or a spectator at events before where the presenters or organizers knew I was in the audience and they still kept checking in with me or asking for my input, or if we broke into groups as unorganized equals I was still expected to structure the discussion. If I'm not being actively expected to do that, I try to sit back and NOT do it to see what will happen, and maybe only jump in if I think my perspective will comfort someone or validate someone. I've said so much and I've been heard so much. I don't have a personal need to keep talking at this point.
If you look at the Ace Leadership panel I was on once, I actually talked the least. ;)
I've been "a leader" in quite a number of ways. I have a weird relationship with leadership. Most of the other people I know who are comfortable with leadership are people who actively want to lead--who are in fact uncomfortable if they're not in charge. I'm not really interested in being in charge. But if it falls to me, I can do it well.
In small ways I've done things like calling the shots and assigning duties in group projects in school, or taking charge in the section of the bookstore I was responsible for, revolutionizing several aspects of it and creating my own resources when the company-issued ones weren't enough. In larger ways I've taken careful stock of the amount of attention and power that have been given to my words and have approached leadership in the asexual community with careful confidence.
I am a pretty confident person in most situations. It's hard to intimidate me or make me feel like my perspective doesn't matter. It can definitely happen--especially in situations where I am explicitly not a leader, like at my day job. I'm in a support position at my day job, and literally everyone who works there is essentially the boss of me. I let them do all the leading and call all the shots. I don't have a problem with taking direction.
As an eldest child, I think I was trained from early life to be comfortable with setting an example. My sister has told me a few times that she was grateful to have someone doing everything before she did to soften the ground a little--to give her a peek at what she'd be doing next, and if I survived, she could too. I didn't know this as a child, but I guess I just kind of "knew" it, and doing everything first didn't seem scary whatsoever. It's interesting to hear from her that the same thing I was neutral or excited about was intimidating for her.
I'm not at all uncomfortable with my biggest "leadership" role, though sometimes I guess it's . . . heavy? I feel like it just comes with the territory. Outsiders to my community will still listen to me on issues that affect us, while insiders will end up represented by what I say about "us" regardless of how many disclaimers I invoke. I aim for some mixture of commanding the so-called stage and stepping aside when I can (and when it's comfortable for the people I defer to). For instance, I believe I ended up in the place I did because I make good content and I've been consistent about providing it across a variety of media, but I have also been assisted on this journey with the magical grease of privilege. I'm white, upper middle class, not disabled, cisgender, presumably neurotypical. I fit into some categories that make the world take me more seriously, while they might use elements that don't apply to me to marginalize and mock others in my community. So sometimes I have used my stage to describe the issues more marginalized asexual people experience as they've described it to me, or (if the "stage" allows) I will hand over the mic. The media has a history of featuring almost exclusively white asexuality representatives, so one thing I've done is speak privately to ace activists of color and have received permission from several who are comfortable speaking to media to pass on their contact information so we can diversify somewhat on that particular front.
I started with asexual awareness activism primarily with the perspective that I was explaining myself to non-asexual people, but when I received so much attention from other asexual people, that became my primary highlight--I could afford to speak on their behalf when they didn't or couldn't do so, and even though it sometimes takes a lot out of me, I recognize that my privileges insulate me from what some of them would risk or lose for speaking out. The benefits to leading are mostly just that ineffable "attention" experience--if that's what you want, and sometimes it's cool, sometimes not--and of course the fact that I have a supportive network to lean on when I need help, and I had the connections I needed to get a book published (which also involves monetary compensation sometimes). The other people I've met and connected with and helped have been the best part of the leadership experience. The worst part is always feeling like anything I do or say is happening on a stage, and if I mess up then hyper-critical members of my community or communities adjacent to mine might crucify me. Sometimes they're wrong, or they do it in an ultimately non-constructive way, but most of the time I think my bigger megaphone DOES mean I should be held to a stricter standard on what I say.
Sometimes when I'm in asexual spaces I'm just kind of expected to take the reins, and it's uncomfortable if I don't, so I do it without complaining. Like, I've been an audience member or a spectator at events before where the presenters or organizers knew I was in the audience and they still kept checking in with me or asking for my input, or if we broke into groups as unorganized equals I was still expected to structure the discussion. If I'm not being actively expected to do that, I try to sit back and NOT do it to see what will happen, and maybe only jump in if I think my perspective will comfort someone or validate someone. I've said so much and I've been heard so much. I don't have a personal need to keep talking at this point.
If you look at the Ace Leadership panel I was on once, I actually talked the least. ;)
Monday, October 3, 2016
Interview with newly agented author Heather Head!
Today I'd like to welcome my friend and critique partner Heather Head to my blog! Heather and I met through some little coincidences that more or less amount to "she saw my writing webcomic and we became writer pals." I've beta-read her book and helped her with some aspects of her agent search, and now I'm thrilled to report she's secured representation! I decided to interview her with a hodgepodge of questions about her writing life and her newly agented status as a fun tidbit (and to show my readers how cool she is). And here we go!
JSD: Heather, you've just achieved something many author hopefuls dream of--you've signed with a literary agent! And not just any agent--the legendary Ethan Ellenberg! So first of all, congratulations!
I've got some questions for you that my readers who want to be in your shoes someday may want answered. (And I'm sure it will be entertaining for some other folks too!) So here we go--a host of probing personal questions about writing, querying, and signing.
1. First, the obligatory intro: give us one sentence about who you are, one sentence about what you write, and one sentence about the book that got you signed.
HH: I'm a writer, mom, and entrepreneur who loves good stories. I write many things, but the book that attracted my agent's attention is science fiction. It's set in a world where the dominant species is a sentient plant, and humans are treated as livestock.
JSD: It's a really cool book, you guys!
2. How did you come to the decision to pursue literary agency representation? Did you consider other potential publication paths that wouldn't require getting an agent? Tell us a little about what went into your process.
HH: When you've finally finished that first novel, it is SO tempting to go the self-publish route. You just want people to read it! Many authors have indeed been extremely successful by that route--Cory Doctorow comes to mind in the science fiction realm. So, yes, I did frequently think of doing that. However, I also became aware that if I self-published, I would have to run the whole business myself--promotion, marketing, building relationships with bookstores, editing, type setting, cover art, etc. etc. etc. I had helped a friend self-publish a little book of inspiration several years ago, and it was time-consuming, and we never really saw a lot of traction except among friends (and he already had a platform, so he was ahead of where I'd be starting). So, ultimately, my thinking was that I wanted everything that traditional publishing had to offer, and I decided I was willing to wait. That didn't stop me from holding self-publishing in my back pocket, just in case...
JSD: Yeah, that's sort of what I thought too--I didn't want to have to try to run a business as well as do the creative work of writing a book. I don't think I'd be that successful at it and I wanted a chance at everything mainstream authors get.
3. While you were looking for agents to query, what did you look for in the perfect agent for you? What made you decide for or against querying someone?
HH: The key criteria was reputation. I used Query Tracker to find agents, and then I'd check out their websites and their reputation to make sure they were legit. I tried to query across a range--from top agents to new agents, with the thinking that I didn't want to rule out top agents, but I might have better luck attracting the attention of a new agent. I realize this is counter to many people's advice to start at the top and work your way down. I was lucky that the one who picked me up was absolutely a top choice for me, one of the absolute best in the industry.
That having been said, when he first requested my manuscript, I had an intense moment of imposter syndrome. Even though I had vetted my options carefully, I was suddenly convinced I must have accidentally queried a schmagent--WHAT, someone wants my MANUSCRIPT? Hahahaha. I spent a lot of time reassuring myself (with a lot of help from you!) that he was as legit as his reputation. I can honestly say that I have now read every single word Ethan Ellenberg currently has available online as well as at least 80% of everything everyone has ever said about him in a public space.
It goes without saying that I only queried in my own genre (sci fi). Having said that, however, I originally queried as YA and got no results. Then as MG (I always felt my book was borderline between the two). When Ethan called, he told me that what I have is an adult book, even though the protagonists are children (and even though I'd written it for my own children--but then, they read a lot of adult literature too). Which just goes to show that sometimes you can screw up something as basic as market and still attract an agent.
JSD: Yeah, market can be tricky--and some agents who don't represent all categories will in fact reject you if you submit a book to them that doesn't fit in their categories. They might not even consider that perhaps this is an adult book in YA clothing, or something to that effect--but when they work with multiple categories, they certainly do sometimes do stuff like this. I had a similar situation with mine, but backwards--my agent agreed with me that it was an adult book, but publishers were saying "nope, child protagonist, YA." There are so many mixed messages out there, and they'll frequently present their opinions and interpretations as fact. You just have to be fortunate enough to hit the one that really understands your work.
4. Give us a little summary of what your roller coaster was like from the time you first queried Ethan Ellenberg's agency to the moment you signed the contract!
HH: Ethan Ellenberg is notoriously fast to respond, so it was a FAST roller coaster. I queried on September 7, he requested my manuscript, and a two-week exclusive, on the 12th. That was when the freak-out began, checking that he was legit (lol), checking that he was someone I wanted to work with (lol again), checking that I wasn't dreaming. Then the second-wave freak-out, deciding that there was no way he was going to offer, alternately with deciding exactly how I was going to spend my advance (lolololololololololol, seriously, LOL). I had to go for lots of walks (how I calm myself) and lots of meditation sessions (often while walking). The excitement felt exactly like high anxiety, with my consciousness hovering outside my skin and the inability to think of anything else--it was unpleasant, right when I thought I *ought* to be super happy. Such is the life of a writer.
I kept reminding myself that it was a compliment that someone of his caliber even wanted to look at my work. That, if he rejected it, that would be valuable information about where my work was weakest. That this was a good thing regardless of the outcome. Didn't stop me freaking out.
When he called on the 19th (12 days after I queried), I was on the phone with the utility company. I had spent 45 minutes waiting for a customer service rep, and they had just come on the line, finally, when the call waiting buzzed. I looked at the phone, and there was the name: Ethan Ellenberg Literary Agency. My hands went sweaty. I got back on with the utility company. Being the smooth-under-pressure type that I am, I said, "Um. Uhhhh. Hi I uh I gotta um I'll bye! Ok."
Then I sat back, switched over to the new call, and said, "Hello. This is Heather." Because my heart was totally not racing a mile a minute (<--That's a lie).
We talked for about half an hour and I honestly didn't know at first if he was offering representation or asking for an R&R, because he wanted to talk in detail about my book. About fifteen minutes in, I finally just asked.
He was offering.
Meanwhile, I was IM'ing my husband. "I'm on the phone with Ethan Ellenberg. Omg." Then, "He's making an offer. OMG!!"
Once I got off the phone, I had yet another freak-out over the agency agreement, which he had his office manager send right away.
I always freak out over contracts, and I didn't want to screw it up, so I went back into a crazy research frenzy, reading everything I could about agency agreements and talking to all my friends in the business (like you!).
The final (so far) freak-out happened after I decided to accept the offer. I wanted to call the agency, because I felt like it was the sort of thing one ought to make a call regarding, rather than an email. I thought it would be such a wondrous call, but it was decidedly anti-climactic, and brief. Afterward I started second-guessing myself. WHY NO INSTA-PARTY-ON-THE-PHONE???????? WHY NO HOSTS OF ANGELS SINGING HALLELUJAH?????????? DID I SCREW IT UP?
Lol.
My friend Melissa reminded me that I was not looking for a party-thrower, I wanted a business partner. "It's like a mullet," she said. "Business in the front. Party in the back. I'll be your party." Whew.
I have a business partner. Hallelujah!
JSD: That story about the mullet is hilarious. What an analogy!
Definitely true about the business partner thing though. The busier and more accomplished an agent is, the more likely they'll be less buddy-buddy, I guess. You've got us for your buddies. :)
5. I'd like to provide some encouragement to writers who are still in the trenches. Tell us about one of your darker times if you considered quitting or had doubts, and tell us what you did to come out on the other side.
HH: Remember when I called you up, even though we had never spoken in person? One of my favorite authors, Lev Grossman, had told me about an agent who had a good reputation among the authors he knows. After some research, I decided she was The One. Hehe. I carefully customized my query for her, mentioning that Lev had suggested I speak with her. She rejected me, with a form letter. It was only my fourth or fifth rejection, and I was devastated.
You were very kind to me.
When I encourage another writers, I have to repeat what so many others say: Don't give up. Accept that rejections are part of the journey. After a while, for what it's worth, you almost (ALMOST) don't notice them. And that makes the offer that much sweeter.
Right before I received my offer from Ethan, I took my son to a reading by Kate DiCamillo, one of our favorite MG authors. During the Q&A, she mentioned that Because of Winn Dixie (my favorite, her first) was rejected over 400 times before it was published. I was greatly cheered by that.
Now that I'm on the other side, I want to say that having an agent is wonderful. We've had a couple of meetings, and he's helping me decide what to focus on next, based on his extensive experience in what the market wants. Simultaneously, he's very respectful of my role as the artist, and reminds me that the decisions are all mine. I really appreciate having such a knowledgeable, businesslike partner to ground me. It's both inspiring and motivating--I'm so much more motivated to get that second book finished!
JSD: Yeah, I was actually thinking the other day about how we talked on the phone after that rejection. Interesting how sometimes we need another person's voice when we're down, but not as much when we're up--you told me your good news all by text messages! I think I might be the opposite--I'd rather send text-based messages if something bad happened, but if something good happened I want to tell them with my voice. Takes all kinds!
6. What advice was given to you by other authors that you found valuable? Did you receive any bad advice?
HH: I got SO much good advice. "Keep going" was the big one. I had a lot of help in crafting my query letter. I highly recommend getting lots of help with that. Beyond that, make your book as good as it can be. Read a lot. Write a lot. Start working on your next book. And seek out someone who can help you with the practical parts of the process.
Bad advice? Mostly from people who don't know the industry, telling me I'd be better off self-publishing (which might be true for some people, but it was bad advice for me because it assumed I hadn't already done my homework).
It is true that we all--I and all the many, many folks who helped me--thought we had a children's book on our hands. That's not bad advice so much as something we all missed. I wonder now if I wouldn't have gotten quicker attention to my work if I'd queried under adult. I'm incredibly grateful to Ethan for seeing what my book is and evaluating it on that basis rather than on what I'd queried it as.
JSD: I feel ya on the bad advice. Almost everything useless that's been said to me has been from someone who wasn't at all related to publishing or writing. Usually even if I disagree with or can't use someone's advice from inside the writing world, it seems like their perspective still does something for me. Though I guess I've also had people from inside occasionally tell me it's impossible to get a book deal now (haha) or laughed at me for pursuing mainstream publication because they preferred self-publishing and didn't respect that I didn't. There are some nasty folks on both sides of that fence. As for whether something is a "children's book," I think the real issue is that line is kind of blurring. The publishing industry does squeeze things into tight dichotomies sometimes, but we all know that kids read stuff that's "for" adults all the time, and adults frequently read kids' books. I'm sure Ethan's perspective will probably result in the most appropriate marketing for the book, but I'm also certain kids will read it!
7. Let's talk about rejection. Can you share any thoughts about receiving rejection letters? What about this: if you got a rejection from a partial or full manuscript, was that easier or harder to deal with than getting rejected from a query?
HH: Ethan was the first agent to request my full manuscript. I'd had one partial request. Perhaps because I was querying the wrong market? The rejection on the partial was indeed the hardest, not counting the one where I called you (which was hard only because I'd set up silly expectations and gotten attached to them, and because I wasn't yet accustomed to rejection). With a manuscript rejection, you feel like your actual work has been rejected, rather than just the query which, let's be honest, you're far less attached to than the book itself.
JSD: Yeah. Most people seem to feel the same--that if they looked at the work itself and didn't want it, the rejection feels so much more personal. But sometimes I run into people who are more insulted by "they didn't even give the writing a chance!" but are willing to shrug and say "fair enough" if they did read some of it and didn't dig it. I'm definitely more personally disappointed in someone reading and not liking my work than someone who just didn't feel interested enough to read it, though. And I'm quite familiar with that building up of hopes.
8. Can you tell us what Ethan likes about your book?
HH: In particular, he likes the way I portray communication between two alien consciousnesses, which he thinks is very interesting. He also seems to think that the characters are strong. I don't want to speak for him, but if I understand correctly, he thinks I have an original idea well executed, and that it will be highly sellable. In talking about one of my new ideas, he mentioned that it would be a hard task, but that I seemed to like setting hard tasks for myself. He didn't actually say that he likes that about me, but I like it about me, and I'm glad he sees that in me.
JSD: Yeah, I liked that aspect of the story too. I appreciate that it's fully fleshed out--it's not just "what if sentient plants took over Earth?" but HOW that actually manifests and why they think it's fine to enslave and consume humans. The resulting gray morality is nice too. Too often books about alien invasions paint the invaders as "bad guys" entirely, while yours has a host of different approaches to the two species' relationships. I'm glad your agent appreciates what you can do!
9. What did you do to celebrate getting an agency contract?
HH: I told everyone I could think of privately, went to dinner with my family, and privately (and not-so-privately), internally (and externally), freaked out--I've gotten very good at freaking out. Lots of practice.
JSD: 10. Share some thoughts with us on the next big adventure: SUBMISSION! What are you most nervous about? What are you most excited about?
HH: I'm not even ready to think about it yet. Way too nerve-wracking. One freak-out at a time, please!!!!
JSD: Wait, but you've already thought of how to spend your advance! Hahaha. . . .
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and advice with us, Heather! I hope it's not long before I can buy your book!
HH: Thank you!
You can find Heather online at all these fine places:
Twitter: @HHeadWrites
Facebook: HHeadWrites
Website: HeatherHead.com
Thanks for reading, everyone!
JSD: Heather, you've just achieved something many author hopefuls dream of--you've signed with a literary agent! And not just any agent--the legendary Ethan Ellenberg! So first of all, congratulations!
I've got some questions for you that my readers who want to be in your shoes someday may want answered. (And I'm sure it will be entertaining for some other folks too!) So here we go--a host of probing personal questions about writing, querying, and signing.
1. First, the obligatory intro: give us one sentence about who you are, one sentence about what you write, and one sentence about the book that got you signed.
HH: I'm a writer, mom, and entrepreneur who loves good stories. I write many things, but the book that attracted my agent's attention is science fiction. It's set in a world where the dominant species is a sentient plant, and humans are treated as livestock.
JSD: It's a really cool book, you guys!
2. How did you come to the decision to pursue literary agency representation? Did you consider other potential publication paths that wouldn't require getting an agent? Tell us a little about what went into your process.
HH: When you've finally finished that first novel, it is SO tempting to go the self-publish route. You just want people to read it! Many authors have indeed been extremely successful by that route--Cory Doctorow comes to mind in the science fiction realm. So, yes, I did frequently think of doing that. However, I also became aware that if I self-published, I would have to run the whole business myself--promotion, marketing, building relationships with bookstores, editing, type setting, cover art, etc. etc. etc. I had helped a friend self-publish a little book of inspiration several years ago, and it was time-consuming, and we never really saw a lot of traction except among friends (and he already had a platform, so he was ahead of where I'd be starting). So, ultimately, my thinking was that I wanted everything that traditional publishing had to offer, and I decided I was willing to wait. That didn't stop me from holding self-publishing in my back pocket, just in case...
JSD: Yeah, that's sort of what I thought too--I didn't want to have to try to run a business as well as do the creative work of writing a book. I don't think I'd be that successful at it and I wanted a chance at everything mainstream authors get.
3. While you were looking for agents to query, what did you look for in the perfect agent for you? What made you decide for or against querying someone?
HH: The key criteria was reputation. I used Query Tracker to find agents, and then I'd check out their websites and their reputation to make sure they were legit. I tried to query across a range--from top agents to new agents, with the thinking that I didn't want to rule out top agents, but I might have better luck attracting the attention of a new agent. I realize this is counter to many people's advice to start at the top and work your way down. I was lucky that the one who picked me up was absolutely a top choice for me, one of the absolute best in the industry.
That having been said, when he first requested my manuscript, I had an intense moment of imposter syndrome. Even though I had vetted my options carefully, I was suddenly convinced I must have accidentally queried a schmagent--WHAT, someone wants my MANUSCRIPT? Hahahaha. I spent a lot of time reassuring myself (with a lot of help from you!) that he was as legit as his reputation. I can honestly say that I have now read every single word Ethan Ellenberg currently has available online as well as at least 80% of everything everyone has ever said about him in a public space.
It goes without saying that I only queried in my own genre (sci fi). Having said that, however, I originally queried as YA and got no results. Then as MG (I always felt my book was borderline between the two). When Ethan called, he told me that what I have is an adult book, even though the protagonists are children (and even though I'd written it for my own children--but then, they read a lot of adult literature too). Which just goes to show that sometimes you can screw up something as basic as market and still attract an agent.
JSD: Yeah, market can be tricky--and some agents who don't represent all categories will in fact reject you if you submit a book to them that doesn't fit in their categories. They might not even consider that perhaps this is an adult book in YA clothing, or something to that effect--but when they work with multiple categories, they certainly do sometimes do stuff like this. I had a similar situation with mine, but backwards--my agent agreed with me that it was an adult book, but publishers were saying "nope, child protagonist, YA." There are so many mixed messages out there, and they'll frequently present their opinions and interpretations as fact. You just have to be fortunate enough to hit the one that really understands your work.
4. Give us a little summary of what your roller coaster was like from the time you first queried Ethan Ellenberg's agency to the moment you signed the contract!
HH: Ethan Ellenberg is notoriously fast to respond, so it was a FAST roller coaster. I queried on September 7, he requested my manuscript, and a two-week exclusive, on the 12th. That was when the freak-out began, checking that he was legit (lol), checking that he was someone I wanted to work with (lol again), checking that I wasn't dreaming. Then the second-wave freak-out, deciding that there was no way he was going to offer, alternately with deciding exactly how I was going to spend my advance (lolololololololololol, seriously, LOL). I had to go for lots of walks (how I calm myself) and lots of meditation sessions (often while walking). The excitement felt exactly like high anxiety, with my consciousness hovering outside my skin and the inability to think of anything else--it was unpleasant, right when I thought I *ought* to be super happy. Such is the life of a writer.
I kept reminding myself that it was a compliment that someone of his caliber even wanted to look at my work. That, if he rejected it, that would be valuable information about where my work was weakest. That this was a good thing regardless of the outcome. Didn't stop me freaking out.
When he called on the 19th (12 days after I queried), I was on the phone with the utility company. I had spent 45 minutes waiting for a customer service rep, and they had just come on the line, finally, when the call waiting buzzed. I looked at the phone, and there was the name: Ethan Ellenberg Literary Agency. My hands went sweaty. I got back on with the utility company. Being the smooth-under-pressure type that I am, I said, "Um. Uhhhh. Hi I uh I gotta um I'll bye! Ok."
Then I sat back, switched over to the new call, and said, "Hello. This is Heather." Because my heart was totally not racing a mile a minute (<--That's a lie).
We talked for about half an hour and I honestly didn't know at first if he was offering representation or asking for an R&R, because he wanted to talk in detail about my book. About fifteen minutes in, I finally just asked.
He was offering.
Meanwhile, I was IM'ing my husband. "I'm on the phone with Ethan Ellenberg. Omg." Then, "He's making an offer. OMG!!"
Once I got off the phone, I had yet another freak-out over the agency agreement, which he had his office manager send right away.
I always freak out over contracts, and I didn't want to screw it up, so I went back into a crazy research frenzy, reading everything I could about agency agreements and talking to all my friends in the business (like you!).
The final (so far) freak-out happened after I decided to accept the offer. I wanted to call the agency, because I felt like it was the sort of thing one ought to make a call regarding, rather than an email. I thought it would be such a wondrous call, but it was decidedly anti-climactic, and brief. Afterward I started second-guessing myself. WHY NO INSTA-PARTY-ON-THE-PHONE???????? WHY NO HOSTS OF ANGELS SINGING HALLELUJAH?????????? DID I SCREW IT UP?
Lol.
My friend Melissa reminded me that I was not looking for a party-thrower, I wanted a business partner. "It's like a mullet," she said. "Business in the front. Party in the back. I'll be your party." Whew.
I have a business partner. Hallelujah!
JSD: That story about the mullet is hilarious. What an analogy!
Definitely true about the business partner thing though. The busier and more accomplished an agent is, the more likely they'll be less buddy-buddy, I guess. You've got us for your buddies. :)
5. I'd like to provide some encouragement to writers who are still in the trenches. Tell us about one of your darker times if you considered quitting or had doubts, and tell us what you did to come out on the other side.
HH: Remember when I called you up, even though we had never spoken in person? One of my favorite authors, Lev Grossman, had told me about an agent who had a good reputation among the authors he knows. After some research, I decided she was The One. Hehe. I carefully customized my query for her, mentioning that Lev had suggested I speak with her. She rejected me, with a form letter. It was only my fourth or fifth rejection, and I was devastated.
You were very kind to me.
When I encourage another writers, I have to repeat what so many others say: Don't give up. Accept that rejections are part of the journey. After a while, for what it's worth, you almost (ALMOST) don't notice them. And that makes the offer that much sweeter.
Right before I received my offer from Ethan, I took my son to a reading by Kate DiCamillo, one of our favorite MG authors. During the Q&A, she mentioned that Because of Winn Dixie (my favorite, her first) was rejected over 400 times before it was published. I was greatly cheered by that.
Now that I'm on the other side, I want to say that having an agent is wonderful. We've had a couple of meetings, and he's helping me decide what to focus on next, based on his extensive experience in what the market wants. Simultaneously, he's very respectful of my role as the artist, and reminds me that the decisions are all mine. I really appreciate having such a knowledgeable, businesslike partner to ground me. It's both inspiring and motivating--I'm so much more motivated to get that second book finished!
JSD: Yeah, I was actually thinking the other day about how we talked on the phone after that rejection. Interesting how sometimes we need another person's voice when we're down, but not as much when we're up--you told me your good news all by text messages! I think I might be the opposite--I'd rather send text-based messages if something bad happened, but if something good happened I want to tell them with my voice. Takes all kinds!
6. What advice was given to you by other authors that you found valuable? Did you receive any bad advice?
HH: I got SO much good advice. "Keep going" was the big one. I had a lot of help in crafting my query letter. I highly recommend getting lots of help with that. Beyond that, make your book as good as it can be. Read a lot. Write a lot. Start working on your next book. And seek out someone who can help you with the practical parts of the process.
Bad advice? Mostly from people who don't know the industry, telling me I'd be better off self-publishing (which might be true for some people, but it was bad advice for me because it assumed I hadn't already done my homework).
It is true that we all--I and all the many, many folks who helped me--thought we had a children's book on our hands. That's not bad advice so much as something we all missed. I wonder now if I wouldn't have gotten quicker attention to my work if I'd queried under adult. I'm incredibly grateful to Ethan for seeing what my book is and evaluating it on that basis rather than on what I'd queried it as.
JSD: I feel ya on the bad advice. Almost everything useless that's been said to me has been from someone who wasn't at all related to publishing or writing. Usually even if I disagree with or can't use someone's advice from inside the writing world, it seems like their perspective still does something for me. Though I guess I've also had people from inside occasionally tell me it's impossible to get a book deal now (haha) or laughed at me for pursuing mainstream publication because they preferred self-publishing and didn't respect that I didn't. There are some nasty folks on both sides of that fence. As for whether something is a "children's book," I think the real issue is that line is kind of blurring. The publishing industry does squeeze things into tight dichotomies sometimes, but we all know that kids read stuff that's "for" adults all the time, and adults frequently read kids' books. I'm sure Ethan's perspective will probably result in the most appropriate marketing for the book, but I'm also certain kids will read it!
7. Let's talk about rejection. Can you share any thoughts about receiving rejection letters? What about this: if you got a rejection from a partial or full manuscript, was that easier or harder to deal with than getting rejected from a query?
HH: Ethan was the first agent to request my full manuscript. I'd had one partial request. Perhaps because I was querying the wrong market? The rejection on the partial was indeed the hardest, not counting the one where I called you (which was hard only because I'd set up silly expectations and gotten attached to them, and because I wasn't yet accustomed to rejection). With a manuscript rejection, you feel like your actual work has been rejected, rather than just the query which, let's be honest, you're far less attached to than the book itself.
JSD: Yeah. Most people seem to feel the same--that if they looked at the work itself and didn't want it, the rejection feels so much more personal. But sometimes I run into people who are more insulted by "they didn't even give the writing a chance!" but are willing to shrug and say "fair enough" if they did read some of it and didn't dig it. I'm definitely more personally disappointed in someone reading and not liking my work than someone who just didn't feel interested enough to read it, though. And I'm quite familiar with that building up of hopes.
8. Can you tell us what Ethan likes about your book?
HH: In particular, he likes the way I portray communication between two alien consciousnesses, which he thinks is very interesting. He also seems to think that the characters are strong. I don't want to speak for him, but if I understand correctly, he thinks I have an original idea well executed, and that it will be highly sellable. In talking about one of my new ideas, he mentioned that it would be a hard task, but that I seemed to like setting hard tasks for myself. He didn't actually say that he likes that about me, but I like it about me, and I'm glad he sees that in me.
JSD: Yeah, I liked that aspect of the story too. I appreciate that it's fully fleshed out--it's not just "what if sentient plants took over Earth?" but HOW that actually manifests and why they think it's fine to enslave and consume humans. The resulting gray morality is nice too. Too often books about alien invasions paint the invaders as "bad guys" entirely, while yours has a host of different approaches to the two species' relationships. I'm glad your agent appreciates what you can do!
9. What did you do to celebrate getting an agency contract?
HH: I told everyone I could think of privately, went to dinner with my family, and privately (and not-so-privately), internally (and externally), freaked out--I've gotten very good at freaking out. Lots of practice.
JSD: 10. Share some thoughts with us on the next big adventure: SUBMISSION! What are you most nervous about? What are you most excited about?
HH: I'm not even ready to think about it yet. Way too nerve-wracking. One freak-out at a time, please!!!!
JSD: Wait, but you've already thought of how to spend your advance! Hahaha. . . .
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and advice with us, Heather! I hope it's not long before I can buy your book!
HH: Thank you!
You can find Heather online at all these fine places:
Twitter: @HHeadWrites
Facebook: HHeadWrites
Website: HeatherHead.com
Thanks for reading, everyone!
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Personal Digest Saturday: September 24 – September 30
Life news this week:
New reviews of my book:
This week's performance was special: a duet with a SingSnap member named idkguy performing "Light My Candle" from RENT!
New drawings:
Webcomic So You Write Issue 64: "Comfort Zone."
Webcomic Negative One Issue 0594: "Spaces In Between."
New videos:
First, my new animated music video about Garnet and Stevonnie, which you should not watch if you aren't caught up on Steven Universe, unless you do not care about spoilers. People who don't care about that and want to watch adorable cartoon characters express their love in an admittedly kinda weird way might enjoy watching it.
It's called "Made New."
And this one is my latest Letters to an Asexual video, which is about a person who believes people in a relationship are entitled to expect sex two to three times a week for twenty to sixty minutes per session, and that this is an expected norm that everyone understands; therefore, if an asexual person does not disclose ahead of time in a relationship, they are "trapping" non-asexual people, because they have every right to receive the sex they're owed. Here is Letters to an Asexual #39.
New photos:
Social Media counts:
YouTube subscribers: 5,347 for swankivy (lost 2), 601 for JulieSondra (3 new). Twitter followers: 838 for swankivy (2 new), 1,298 for JulieSondra (lost 4). Facebook: 294 friends (no change, but I just friended Kali so I know I must've lost someone too) and 201 followers (1 new) for swankivy, 642 likes for JulieSondra (lost 1), 56 likes for Negative One (no change), 126 likes for So You Write (lost 1). Tumblr followers: 2,466 (4 new). Instagram followers: 87 (no change).
- Saturday wasn't very productive. I got a new toy in the mail! And
did some blogging and reading and used the treadmill. That was really
it.
- Sunday I made a YouTube video for my asexuality
channel, redecorated my apartment for the current season, did karaoke,
did more reading and treadmilling, and got laundry done. It felt like I
got a lot done but I guess I didn't.
- Monday I brought my
bike along on my walk to work because I thought I was going grocery
shopping and I use the basket to wheel the groceries home, but it was
about to be rainy so I had to bike home to beat the storm. I did the
treadmill at a weird time to make up for it. Also, at work was a bunch
of computer troubleshooting for other people, and I spent the evening
working on a video that I'm going to be making for a very long time.
- Tuesday
I dealt with computer troubleshooting, contracts and other people's
problems. I got groceries on the way home, then met my mom for dinner.
She took me to Outback and I got a potato and broccoli, and she told me
good news about money (which she was way overdue for!). I made some more
of the video I'm working on.
- Wednesday I had to tackle some administrative forms at the office, and I met Jeaux for Flippers Pizza after. I also got some Steven Universe
plushies in the mail. They are weird looking (and I knew that before
buying), but I still got them because I'm a nerd. I did some more
research for the video I'm making.
- Thursday I did more
contract junk and sent mail to one of my friends. On my way home I heard
a song on my mp3 player that made me want to make an animated music
video for some Steven Universe characters, so after a shower I
made it. But the formatting didn't look very good yet and my computer
was being a pain, so I abandoned working on it for the night and drew
some webcomics while talking to Victor on the phone.
- Friday I kicked some butts and did my last Step-tember walk. I worked on my music video while drawing the rest of my comic. I got both done at night. After posting, I just went to sleep. This wasn't an exciting week, but it was a pretty good one.
New reviews of my book:
- Yet again Goodreads is saying I have one more review than last week, but will not show me anything newer than reviews I already saw, so I imagine it will pop up next week like the last time this happened.
- Finished this week: Nothing. :/
- Currently reading: Little Women by Louisa May Alcott.
This week's performance was special: a duet with a SingSnap member named idkguy performing "Light My Candle" from RENT!
New drawings:
Webcomic So You Write Issue 64: "Comfort Zone."
Webcomic Negative One Issue 0594: "Spaces In Between."
New videos:
First, my new animated music video about Garnet and Stevonnie, which you should not watch if you aren't caught up on Steven Universe, unless you do not care about spoilers. People who don't care about that and want to watch adorable cartoon characters express their love in an admittedly kinda weird way might enjoy watching it.
It's called "Made New."
And this one is my latest Letters to an Asexual video, which is about a person who believes people in a relationship are entitled to expect sex two to three times a week for twenty to sixty minutes per session, and that this is an expected norm that everyone understands; therefore, if an asexual person does not disclose ahead of time in a relationship, they are "trapping" non-asexual people, because they have every right to receive the sex they're owed. Here is Letters to an Asexual #39.
New photos:
![]() |
| I bought the SU-themed Yahtzee game. |
![]() |
| ...And my fist fits in the gauntlet-shaped dice roller. |
![]() |
| The weirdly designed plushies I got this week. |
Social Media counts:
YouTube subscribers: 5,347 for swankivy (lost 2), 601 for JulieSondra (3 new). Twitter followers: 838 for swankivy (2 new), 1,298 for JulieSondra (lost 4). Facebook: 294 friends (no change, but I just friended Kali so I know I must've lost someone too) and 201 followers (1 new) for swankivy, 642 likes for JulieSondra (lost 1), 56 likes for Negative One (no change), 126 likes for So You Write (lost 1). Tumblr followers: 2,466 (4 new). Instagram followers: 87 (no change).
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Wednesday Factoid: Daredevil
Today's Wednesday Factoid is: How much of a daredevil are you?
I mean, I guess not at all?
I'm really not much of a thrill-seeker. I don't find adrenaline-inducing or dangerous experiences fulfilling. But I'm also not particularly afraid of most things and don't have any real phobias, so I've done stuff like gone on pretty intense roller coasters and rides, and have historically not been afraid to do things to see what they're like.
I did once climb onto a ledge on my school building and then jumped off it. That might've been kinda daredevil-ish. (I went up there to retrieve a Frisbee. And then instead of letting someone help me climb down I just jumped off.)
I have also climbed up on roofs for fun, so maybe that's also a little daredevil-ish. I used to bring my friends up onto the roofs of some of my college buildings and we'd have picnics or study up there. In college I'd make studying or reading more interesting by climbing onto the apartment building and hanging out up there.
I mean, I guess not at all?
I'm really not much of a thrill-seeker. I don't find adrenaline-inducing or dangerous experiences fulfilling. But I'm also not particularly afraid of most things and don't have any real phobias, so I've done stuff like gone on pretty intense roller coasters and rides, and have historically not been afraid to do things to see what they're like.
I did once climb onto a ledge on my school building and then jumped off it. That might've been kinda daredevil-ish. (I went up there to retrieve a Frisbee. And then instead of letting someone help me climb down I just jumped off.)
I have also climbed up on roofs for fun, so maybe that's also a little daredevil-ish. I used to bring my friends up onto the roofs of some of my college buildings and we'd have picnics or study up there. In college I'd make studying or reading more interesting by climbing onto the apartment building and hanging out up there.
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