Tuesday, March 19, 2019

"You need HELP."

"You need THERAPY."

As an asexual, aromantic woman who claims to be happy, this is something I hear a lot. That I need a professional's help to fix myself, because I am, by definition, BROKEN if I think happiness is an option for me.

Let's explore where that idea comes from.

Not the idea that asexual, aromantic people can't be happy--I've talked about that plenty--but the idea that "WHAT?? FIX YOURSELF!" is one of the first things people bleat when they don't personally relate to you.

Let's be clear. This suggestion--or rather, this suggestion made this way--does not come from a kind place. The person, despite what the words say, is not saying "I wish you would get better."

They are saying "You are wrong."

They are saying "I want you to face that you're wrong."

They are saying "If I can't imagine being happy like you, I am allowed to be confident that you are sad. I am allowed to say to you without any self-examination that I reserve the right to define happiness by what makes ME happy. And I have no qualms about contributing to the master narrative that tells us all which ways of living are acceptable and which ways are not."

When someone snaps "GET HELP" or "SEEK THERAPY," they aren't expressing real concern or well wishes for you, no matter how many times they also call you "sweetie" or "dear." And of course, if you call them out on their insincerity, the pearls will be immediately clutched: "Why, how could you accuse ME of false goodwill! The nerve! How dare you imply I do not say this out of LOVE!"

Love is listening to someone and working with them to feel better if they have a problem.

Love is fostering that person's trust, cultivating a caring relationship with them, making yourself available for their doubts and fears.

Love is expressing concern if you are concerned, but doing it in a way that the at-risk person can use without feeling attacked.

And if you think you can say "I'm *sorry*, but you need to GET HELP" as an effective way of opening the door to healing, you are mistaken. Let's just pretend you're actually sincere and you're saying these things, and you truly do not understand why someone who gets snapped at to see a psychiatrist would not read this as loving concern. Let's just say you're confused, emotional, and inexperienced with how to get someone you're concerned about to connect with the proper professionals. Here's what you need to know about our reaction when we confide in you and you say "GET HELP."

  • We think you aren't listening to what we said.
  • We think we can't trust you.
  • We think you are against us, not trying to help us.
  • We think we have disgusted or angered you.
  • We think we need to be silent about our personal truths when we're around you.
  • We think our differences are upsetting and unacceptable.
  • We feel rejected.
  • We feel unsafe.
  • We feel ashamed.
  • We feel dismissed.
  • We feel like you trust a hypothetical stranger's assessment over our lived experience, and that you default to believing a mental health professional would side with you.

And we may feel that your response is inspired by your own insecurity, not anything that needs to change for us.

If someone confides in you and their words Really Truly make you think the person needs counseling, your job is to support them personally, not shame them for their quirks and bully them into getting medical help. If the goal here is the other person's satisfaction and stability, you should primarily be focusing on what they want. Are they safe? Are they conflicted or confused about what they're telling you? Are they ASKING for your advice or your help? Are they asking you to understand them and your first response is "no, unacceptable: get fixed"?

But let's be real here. There aren't many people out there who have said "Seriously, hun, GET HELP" to another person and actually did it out of goodwill and from a caring place. It is a conversation ender. It is a weapon.

Most people, when they do this, are attempting to gaslight others, or call into question their basic competence. They are saying, "Your mind is sick. Your thoughts are inspired by illness and your experience is false. You do not have an authentic life." And they say it with no acknowledgment at all that they are not experts on what it's possible to feel. More often than not, this is something bullies say in response to nonconformity: "Stop being so WEIRD, ya weirdo. You're not doing it for a good reason--it's just to be special, or to be quirky, or to get attention. I do not accept that people can think or feel what you do, so it must be fake and I'll treat you like there's something wrong with you for saying it."

And not that someone's happiness or satisfaction with their life automatically indicates that they are not mentally ill or engaging in pathological behavior, but for the record, "eccentric" people tend to have significantly higher self-reported ratings of happiness. Being unashamedly unusual sometimes takes bravery (especially at first, and especially if it isn't entirely based on a choice), but it also leads to freedom from many constraints that make people miserable, and people who feel free to be themselves usually lead less stressful, happier lives.

You're not helping if you react to their difference by saying it indicates need for professional help.

What you should know is that many people from marginalized populations are intensely harmed by therapy trolling.

Many do not have the resources to know they are being gaslit or bullied. Many are being told their minds are not trustworthy by people they've trusted their whole lives. Many are vulnerable to programming and to being controlled by authorities. Many will internalize feelings of inadequacy and anxiety over being considered so abnormal that they need a head doctor, and it will be devastating for them. Exploiting their weaknesses to make them doubt their own minds could have consequences for the rest of their lives.

Let me say something first, lest I be misinterpreted: THERE IS NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG WITH NEEDING THERAPY!!!!

Mental illnesses exist! People who need therapists and other mental health practitioners exist! It's not a badge of shame to see a counselor or to need regular access to one. And it's not evidence of a hopeless future or a broken mind if professional help really does make you healthier.

The problem I have is when people believe intervention needs to be forced on someone whose less mainstream perspective or experience is not evidence of deviance, distress, or disease. It isn't HELPFUL--and is, in fact, ultimately HARMFUL--if someone decides their own way of being healthy must be grafted onto someone else whose health simply looks different. My health is not your health. What's good for the goose is NOT always good for the gander. And if you really do approach the world with a perspective that your reality defines how others should live, what others should like, and who others should love, you either have a giant case of unwarranted self-importance or a belief that harmless diversity damages the validity of your life. You're like the people who believe same-sex marriage dilutes the validity of heterosexual marriages because SOMEONE WHOSE ATTRACTION EXPERIENCES DIFFER NOW GET THE SAME ACCESS TO THE BENEFITS OF PERMANENCE THAT YOU ALWAYS TOOK FOR GRANTED. Calm down and let people live instead of spending a bunch of energy and attention making people feel crappy about themselves.

And if it really, truly disturbs you that people you fundamentally don't understand should still be allowed to live their lives according to their own authentic, self-led doctrines, inclinations, attractions, and opinions. . . .

Try talking to other people about it and doing your best to wrap your head around who they are and what they're saying. 


If you need assistance doing that, I've heard some counselors can give you the coping tools to become less agitated about things that aren't your business and aren't yours to control.

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