One time when I was in third grade my mom pointed out that I'd never been anything scary for Halloween, which was weird because that was what Halloween was about, wasn't it? I'd been a Smurf, an angel, a princess, a ballerina . . . but never anything actually scary.
|Sister P went as a witch.|
|Sister L was a gymnast.|
My mother went all out to sew this beautiful cape with a shiny inner red lining, and she went through no small amount of effort and time to get the stiff collar to stand up. But when Halloween came and I donned the cape and slicked my hair back, I looked in the mirror and scared the piss out of myself, and wouldn't stop crying and refused to wear the costume.
Mom was understandably upset with me, especially since I refused to wear the costume but still wanted to go out trick-or-treating with my sisters. She was presented with the problem of a costume to dress me in with absolutely no notice. Out she came carrying a pillowcase and some safety pins.
"What's that for?" I asked.
"Your costume," she said. "You're going to be a baby."
So my mom made a makeshift giant diaper for me out of the pillowcase, put me in a leotard, and handed me one of my sister's old bottles as a prop. Believe it or not, despite being well aware that she was doing this to send me a message about my behavior, I was too relieved that I didn't have to be Dracula to give a rat's ass.
And since then the scariest thing I've been for Halloween was perhaps when Mikey and I did Jay and Silent Bob in 2007.
Er, and dressing as a Catholic schoolgirl in 2010 was actually pretty horrifying.
But yeah, no zombies. No monsters. No skeletons. No ghosts. Fairies and elves and cartoon characters and pretty superheroes ever since.
|Seventh grade: I was a valley girl. |
Sister P was an old lady and sister L was a devil.
|Ninth grade: Joke costume. I told everyone I was going as a white girl.|
And then I wore all white.
That's my friend Emily the Grim Reaper.
|Dot from Animaniacs!|
I think this was 1995.
|In 1997, I went to college in this outfit on Halloween.|
I was Electra, a comic book character my friend had made up.
|First and only Halloween party at a bar, in 1998, dressed as a pixie.|
|College friends, 1999! I'm a fairy of some kind.|
|Another fairy costume, 2003.|
|Dressed as Galadriel, in 2005.|
|2006 looks like this. I'll be damned if I know what it was supposed to be.|
|2008 included several fairies!|
|I was some sort of Renaissance chick in 2009.|
|Renaissance again in 2011.|
|In 2012 I was a ballerina.|
|In 2013 I was an utter dork and dressed as one of my own book characters.|
|In 2014 I inexplicably did not have a party but I wore a witch hat to work.|
I'm just not scary, guys. Even as a witch I have pigtails.